wake up kids, we've got the dreamer's disease

I feel like that's my lot in life. I have the dreamer's disease. I'm constantly daydreaming. How I'm going to decorate my office, next trip we're going to take, what our future baby will look like, what fun activities we can do with our 2 little nephews, what fun things we can do that cost no money.
It's a constant for me. And honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way because it's the dreams that keep me going.

Although, I can't lie, since we've lost the baby, as far as dreaming songs go, I cannot listen to A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes or When you Wish Upon a Star. They kind of break my heart just slightly. And forget Baby Mine from Dumbo. I'll be a puddle on the floor. Same with the song Where the Lost Things Go. Having a super big presence in our darling nephew's life, we listen to Disney songs constantly. Although, to be fair, we'd probably listen to that music sometimes anyway.

Anyway, I haven't found the happiness challenge being too much of a challenge yet. So, that's good. However, they are running together and I'm having trouble keeping track when I think back. So that will be my challenge this week. To try to be more present with these tasks. I think it's just a little bit of depression. But I feel like with what my body and soul have been through in 2 weeks, that's to be expected.
Since I last wrote, I have completed

• Day 10 - Kiss Someone - that was with the Boy from Law School.
• Day 11 - Binge on a TV show - Fleabag. If you haven't watched yet. You are missing out. I had binged this back when Season 2 had come out but I wanted to share it with the Boy from Law School and since we ended up binging it in the course of a day and half, I'd say he was into it as well. I just love Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Her wit and being are just incredible. And don't get me started on the Hot Priest.
• Day 12 - High Five Someone- Took the little nephews to Sea World to partake in their Spook-tacular and needless to say this was awesome. I knew I wanted to high five someone today and it happened so authentically and spontaneously that I didn't even notice it until Boy from Law School pointed it out. I explained what littering was after we saw a boy do it and told them how bad it was for the environment and they were really into saving the Earth and taking good care of Her that they gave me high fives. It was such a pure little moment that I really enjoyed.
• Day 13 - Listen to an Upbeat playlist - thank you Amazon Music. 
• Day 14 - Take a Deep Breath - I took a bath and focused on my breath. 
• Day 15 - Talk to a co-worker you've never spoken to - Talked to a surveyor I've never talked to before. He was helping set up my new office so that worked. 
• Day 16 - Watch a TedTalk - I thought I would like this. I chose ones on happiness but I was not really into it. Maybe because I did it at work and couldn't actually watch so I just listened. And I feel like everyone knows how I feel about being talked at.
• Day 17 - Play Free Online Game - Googled best free mobile games.  Alto's Journey is amazing. It's a minimalist game that is super low-key and not super addicting so the perfect kind of game.
• Day 18 - Surprise someone you love with a gift - bought the Boy from Law School a GooglePlay giftcard for a mobile game that he enjoys that I kind of hate that he spends time on but I know he thoroughly enjoys 
• Day 19 - Have a cartoon-watching marathon - one of the little munchkins wanted to spend time with me and the Boy from Law School. So, in an effort to get him to nap, I put on cartoons on my tablet in bed. Did he nap? No. Did we switch through 7 different cartoon shows in the span of an hour and half? Yes. So, I inadvertently checked off another Happiness challenge.

This weekend was good. Gone too quick and I can already feel the Sunday Scaries but I'm going to try to watch only happy stuff and cuddle with the Boy from Law School to try to quell the Sunday scaries and set me up to have a good week at work. 

Hope you all have a great rest of your night and that the Sunday Scaries don't ruin the rest of your day.

Also, been trying to plan an anxiety-inducing roadtrip because everyone and their mother has been offering their advice on how to move past the miscarriage and taking a small trip together seems to be what everyone says.

However, we're saving for a home and have been incredibly dedicated; thus the anxiety.

So, if anyone has any ideas for a quick, inexpensive trip, shout 'em out in the comments.

We were thinking Asheville, NC for a quick road trip to enjoy all of the Fall things. 

Love and Light to you all.

xoxox

There's no time to cry, happy, happy...

As the post suggests, I'm done crying about my miscarriage and focusing on making 33 my best year yet.
I've been extra kind to myself this week. In the shape of eating bad foods, exercising, doing face masks, spending time with the boy from law school and nurturing my thoughts and body as I go through the healing process.

Despite all this, it's been getting easier to smile through the grief. Especially when I remind myself that I was pregnant and even though it wasn't meant to be. The fact that I got pregnant is beyond beautiful. And although I didn't like the outcome, it's incredible that my body knew what was best and for that I am grateful. When I reframe things, I see how much I have in my life to be grateful for.

I am still on the path to that 365 day Happiness Challenge. Since I last posted, I have now done

• Day 5 - wrote a letter to my future self. 
• I decided to have my mom mail it to me end of next September. I thought this one would be particularly good for me. Carthartic. I keep reminding myself that I don't want to be let down next year by the goals I had set out for myself. So I keep plugging on.
• Day 6 - Stayed off social media all day
• I chose this one because I have been on my phone entirely too much. It's crazy how much stress we create in our own life by seemingly innocent means. I can not tell you how many times I went to check Instagram. It's embarrassing. Since I did this, I am making a more conscious effort to be present and off my phone and fall in love with the world again.
• Day 7 - Listen to a podcast about something that interests you
• This one was different, I'm not a podcast person. Or a talk radio person. Or a stand up comedy person. I pretty much hate when people talk at me and aren't sincere in what they're saying. I know Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey from the Office were starting a podcast soon about the show. The Office Ladies Which, not sure I've mentioned this but it's embarassing how many times I have seen the entire series. It's probably well on its way to a 100. There is something about that show that is comforting and cozy. If the Hygge movement had a show, for me it would be the Office. I have bonded with the boy from law school over it. I have bonded with my Pop over it. It kept me company when I lived in Armenia and Tallahassee. Pretty much has always been a part of my adult life and it will never not be that way. I think I could write an entire blog as to why I love that show. I won't. But just know that I could. Back to the podcast issue. Their podcast was not coming out until October 16. SO couldn't do that one.
• So, I Googled best podcasts and came across Mobituaries, hosted by Mo Rocca. Mobituries Podcast And I love learning about noteworthy people and this particular podcast follows stories of noteworthy dead people. And wouldn't you know, one of his latest episodes was about Audrey Hepburn. She was my first girl love. The first woman that truly inspired me into the adult woman I became. My love for her was still there but buried in my heart as there are only so many times you can rewatch Breakfast at Tiffanys etc. So, I thought what a great podcast for me to listen to. And let me tell you, it was. Mo Rocca has a really reverent way of speaking about her and had so many obscure little interviews she did that I had never heard and let me tell you, I've read every book on her and seen every biographical documentary or made for TV movie about her.

•  In Particular, it was her first American television appearance in 1951. She is starring on Broadway. And she is recounting a Christmas spent in hiding from the Nazis in Holland during WW2 and she talks about how they had run out of food and then on Christmas Eve night, the Dutch resistance brought her and her family 10 potatoes. She recounts "10 glorious potatoes" It brought a slight tear to my eye to think of the trauma she and so many voiceless, countless people at the hands of those monsters. 

• So, needless to say, this podcast ignited that fierce love I had for her when I was 15. I can't tell you how many times I made my parents watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. I can even remember for my 16th birthday, getting a box set of her movies. So, now this love of everything Audrey has spilled over to being kinder than necessary like I believe she behaved in real life and even into my makeup routine. Doing those Audrey Hepburn eyes. Rumour has it, her makeup artist would separate her eyelashes with a safety pin. Bette Davis may have had a song about her eyes but Audrey's eyes.... 

• The Boy from law school has been a willing participant in watching all of Audrey's movies. Thus far, he's liked them all. Which makes my heart happy.
• Day 8 - Watch a funny video on Youtube
• Funny videos
• I think I almost peed myself, I laughed so hard. 
• Day 9 - Play cards
• Tonight, the Boy from law school and I will play Mille Bornes. A fun French card game from my childhood. The cards are from the 60s. They were my parents and we used to play all the time. I have already prepped the Boy from law school.

So, based on the verbosity of this blog, I think you can see, mentally I am healing and well on the road of making this year the best.

Love and Lightness to you all. Hope you're enjoying the coziness of Fall and your loved ones. 

But everything looks perfect from far away...

So, it was a miscarriage. Never thought I'd be relieved to say that.
Our hearts are on their way to healing. It's a miracle we were even pregnant.


That being said, this will be a short post. Trying to enjoy a conscious and deliberate us time with the boy from law school.

However, day 4 brought me to "Complete a paint by numbers".  I did that. Although it should just say "paint a color by numbers because I did not complete. It was a tad intense. I'm not meticulous enough for that kind of art. But I tried something new.

Needless to say that was not increasing my happiness. So, I ditched that. Hopefully day 5's happiness challenge will actually bring happiness and not frustration.

hang on little tomato....

a lifetime has happened since I last wrote in this blog and in an effort to not be too backward-looking. I’ll create a bullet list of what has happened since March 7, 2011

• Broke up with the lover that was referenced at this time.
• Started law school
• Met a boy in law school
• Got engaged to boy from law school
• New little person was born. (nephew#1)
• Graduated law school
• Got our own lover’s oasis
• Second little person was born (nephew #2)
• Married boy from law school
• Went on epic honeymoon
• Fell into the routine of life
• Turned an apartment into a home
• Fell into a rhythm of married life
• Started not “not trying” for our own little stardust
• Celebrated 1 year of marriage
• Went on more epic trips
• Worked and figured out adulting
• Spent endless amounts of time with my beautiful family (whom I still live approx.. 5 mins from)
• Continue trying for our little bit of stardust.
• Celebrated 2nd year of marriage
• Started fertility treatments
• Fell more in love with the life I have despite no stardust.
• Celebrated 3rd year of marriage.

It’s funny looking back at these old blog posts. I never thought I could love the life I have as much as I do. I’m still in my head way too often but I’m loving the somewhat calm waters of my life.
_________________________________________________________________________________
This post has been 3 days in the making and it’s funny how much can change in the span of 2 days from when I was writing this.
 But I can now join so many other would-be mommies but can now add to the list of what has happened since I wrote last.

 • miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy.

 I won’t know until more tests are done. I haven’t really told anyone and loving the anonymity of the blogosphere so I will take advantage of it and talk about this here until I’m ready to tell others. If you happen to be close to me and I didn’t tell you about this. Please don’t be offended. I’m not ready to really talk/talk about it until I know everything and I won’t know anything more until tomorrow afternoon after some more blood work.

 So, that being said, the whole point of starting up the old blog is because I’m doing this 365 day happiness challenge. I thought it would be fun to stick to something until my next birthday and see how far I’ve come. I’ll post a link to challenge here. Not all things cost money, in fact most do not. So far,
 • I have worn my favorite things on my actual birthday. It consisted of one of my favorite purple dresses and a unicorn crown and these great pink chandelier earrings from Target.
• And I have written in my gratitude journal. I am changing this from start a gratitude journal to write in one since I already own one that I try to write in regularly.
• Today, for day 3, post-birthday, I am “starting” a blog or rather breathing life into an old one.


 So, I will cut this entry a little short. Feeling a lot of feelings today and I want to honor them and feel them all to properly move on and look to the sunny horizon. Wishing you all the love and light in the world. Even though it’ll likely only be my mother reading this. 😊

the past is beautiful... like the darkness between the fireflies.

Scouring the internets to find the most apropos quote about love and life for this blog entry title and alas, I am not alone. There are literally millions of people searching for the same thing. It's curious as to why they're looking for love quotes. I've found the proverbial "find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot" bullshit, the quote from James Earl Jones.. (wtf) Why would Darth Vadar have an opinion on the matter? It's amazing how many of these anonymous love quotes are so completely vapid. I am listening to the most sentimental and hokey of love songs and they put me in this sugary state.

It's amazing how much people impact us in our lives. You don't really realize how you are, no matter how much self-reflection you do until you have someone who will call your bluff. Someone who will push you and force you to take a good hard look at yourself. And even though you may fight (everyone fights) you realize that, you will try your damnedest to not do that in the future. You will fight in the future but at least you can be reassured that you will not carry on past transgressions and bad habits. Now, no one is perfect, and of this I'm sure.

So, as I was saying, something I realized that I do, I set boyfriends up for failure. Let me explain. Long story short, I had been so used to be getting mad at a certain 5 year-er that I wouldn't create an opportunity for him to do things right by me. That's something that apparently has carried on into my current relationship. What an awful habit. To not even allow someone the chance to make me happy. And then, get upset when they (as I forced to happen) don't make me happy. Granted, I don't do it all the time but one time is one time too many. It's completely psychotic!

Well, enough about that. I've realized what I was doing and it ends here. Life doesn't have to be as difficult as we make it.

On top of everything, I start teaching this month. I'm beyond excited. It will be nice to have more then 1 day a week of work. And instead of waiting for things to "turn around" I'm letting them come one day at a time. Having this job will help with that. It's a start.

This weekend was so nice. I got to see my Jilly. It's always nice to have reassurance about your being from someone you love so dearly. And it's nice to see a friend living and loving their life so much. It fills me with this sense of happiness. I feel like all the drama and such that my family and some friends have been going through start to clear up. I hope it does for good. Everyone deserves their own happiness.

I hope you all enjoy the delicious start to Spring.

so happy, my body can barely contain it.

I woke up from a bad dream about my beloved and somehow this has turned into yet another amazing day. And it's only 8:42. I have to leave for work in 18 minutes but none of that matters. For, things are good. I'm living a healthy life. I have someone who pushes me to be better all while being who he is(which adds to my happiness), I have an amazing family and friends, My best- Jilly is engaged.! They are such an amazing couple and are so right together that it makes me insanely happy. I'm her maid of honor. I have video games. I don't have enough money in my bank account but somehow it's all okay. It's all turning around. This next part of my life is going to be good. I made a stellar cake even though I put too much spice in it. I know better for next time.

And that is all. Sunday, I'm sure I'll update for realsies!

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop.

I know, it's been almost 2 months since I've updated an although I'm sure there is few that have missed it, I have missed it. I just haven't felt like any of my thoughts were good enough to share. Essentially, it's the same old same old. ::Whine whine whine no job, hate my current job, no direction in my life, no purpose::: Now, who, honestly wants to read that nonsense again?

Life has been settling in an odd way. New relationships have a tendency to shake your world up. The realness is finally settling in. And it's welcomed but also a little daunting. I guess it's been a while. It's odd to have someone who doesn't accept my line of bullshit.

Still at my most amazing-est job. Please detect the sarcasm. But it's cool. I've been in a rut and like the title of this post, that's what I've been doing. Chasing after every little fancy. I am still working towards the teaching career but there aren't any jobs at the moment. :/ Seems my luck in life. When one thing starts to go swimmingly and lovely, another takes backseat. But really, I've been in a rut. Running around and such. I have been creating some amazing memories with aforementioned new person in my life. We'll call him Wyatt because referring to him as him, is a little too God-like for me. And I've been having good times with good friends. I've never had such a good set of friends. So at least my social life is wizard right now. The job will come. I've finally got that fire under my...a..ss, so it'll happen. Sooner rather than later..

Oddly enough, I've actually been looking at grad schools. But I'm not sure that anything I would want to do would get me a job. So we'll see.

Life is real, right now. Things are happening the way they're supposed to. I have a new member of the family. Thaddeus the great! He's a crab and completely adorable.

So, I apologize for this foray back into the world of blogging. It's been a while. Wittier and snarkier Victoria will be back soon!


Enjoy this lovely Sunday. It honestly couldn't be better. Actually, lie... I could be at the beach with Wyatt. Or Baby Girl, Jilly, Ly Ly or Nisey. Or a group of people. Only thing consistent is that it could be better if I was at the beach. Or had a real job or was baking right now instead of job hunting.

But really, it's lovely. And although things could be a little better, they're still stellar!