i hope you're as happy as you're pretending...

Let me tell you- that song will never get old. I was driving home from work in the dismal weather and this song came on. I almost couldn't believe it. I was instantly brought back to high school. And I sang. This song makes me so happy even though it's terribly depressing like most death cab songs are.

I must say something before I go on. Today I received a card from a very dear friend of mine. Someone who understands my soul entirely and still cares for me. I absolutely adore this boy and his letters are without a doubt the best I've ever received in my life. He reminded me of things that I had forgotten and as usual is pushing me to be a better version of myself. I just wish he were closer. But maybe I wouldn't feel as I do if he did live closer. Either way I can't wait to write him back. I typically write back and mail his response the day after! <3

I've been in a funk. I've been happy and dealing with my moods but truly I've been in a funk hence the lack of blog updates. So I apologize for that. But I won't blog boringly. I'd rather not blog. I've just been slightly boring and standoffish to people who could offer adventures. I've also become slightly cynical. Not for any particular reason really. Because I've lived a good life. I haven't had so many more negative experiences then anyone else but for some reason I just have interest or belief system in dating someone. I've also not been living the good life. I've been thinking that "I'm too cool for school". I'm starting to rethink that. There's a point where confidence passes the threshold into narcissism. And I think that's where I've been. All my actions and my karmic energy that I've been putting out into this world has been less then pleasing. But now I'm aware of it.

So things are good. I started my half sleeve (finally). It's so lovely and elegant. I know that when I'm in my 50's that I won't mind it. It'll just remind me of how free-spirited I was and perhaps I mean even smile when I'm that old because I'll remember how silly I was. I adore it. October 9th I'll be getting some more. Either the star my Pop has or a bird. An outline of a sparrow or dove. Because I'm as free as the wind. I know it's seems excessive but I'm obsessed. Same with running. Although that's a bit of a lie. I haven't been running lately.. I have been exercising but not running as hard core as I was. I'm starting again tomorrow.

I came home today, after work, and had a complete renovation of my attitude. I just was feeling sorry for myself. And I was completely changed. Maybe because I was planning on going out tonight to Grits and Gravy. But the rain changed that and I'm actually really okay with that. So I cleaned my room and bathroom. I'll be working tomorrow 330-midnight. I'm not a big fan of closing but I don't mind. My Mom has good feelings about me and jobs this week or at least the upcoming couple of weeks. So we'll see.

Some times, especially with Fall coming up. Someone to walk arm in arm with. Wear scarves with. Drink spiced tea and hot cocoa and eat caramel apples with. I'm not really looking for a relationship or just sex per se but adventures. Someone to live deeply with.

The pink hued sky is enchanting. Time to walk the Mikey dog.

But before I go- here's a picture of Ly Ly and I with my new tattoo

The world only exists in your eyes. You can make it as big or as small as you want

So... "how ya feeling boss" is what our Matthew McConaughey sounding nurse asked my Pop. So, it may come as no surprise but I am in the hospital. How I got to this point may be a bit fuzzy. I know it's been a while but life has gotten to be so crazy. My parents are officially back in town and currently home. My parents got home on Tuesday night and we immediately went to the ER. My dad was yellow and sick. He had jaundice, stones in his bile duct and something wrong with his gall bladder. He had 2 procedures done. The first to remove the small stone in his bile duct. It had broken off of a larger one that was in his gall bladder. That was the second procedure. Getting his gall bladder out. After what seemed to be an eternity of endless hours, he finally is home today. It's so nice to have our home filled with people again. I missed my parents so much and especially after what went on with my poor dad, I am so happy for us all to be one again. Today we had our first meal together in about 3 weeks. It was nice. It was a hodge podge of our favorites foods with the T.V on and flowers all around.

Besides that, life has been an adventure lately. I feel as though I have hit a wall with the diet and running. Either I've had work, needed sleep... or was just being lazy and haven't run. And I've been on a binge of fatty foods. But that stopped today and tomorrow I will run before going to yoga. Which has also been a part that's been lacking in my life. I need to find center again.

I feel on the verge of something dark and not a break through. I feel like a firework about to go up that is afraid of heights. I should be happy but I'm still looking for some purpose. Something that will give my life meaning. I will run in the morning and take things day by day. I can not and will not succumb to this weakness. But for now in the rainy evening when there is nothing to be done, I will read inspiring quotes. Cheesy, yes, but it works. I'm reading Kerouac, Fitzgerald and Thoreau quotes. I will go to sleep early while watching the Office. I will then wake up early, go for a run, take a shower, go to yoga, and clean my room.

I'm watching "World's Greatest Dad". Long story short, Robin William is a failed writer and is teaching high school poetry class that no one attends. He has a jackass son who likes to masturbate while choking himself and he ends up killing himself accidentally. Robin Williams unintentionally becomes famous from this because he writes a suicide note from his son, so no one would know how he really killed himself. And it takes off like wildfire. Because then RObin William's publishes the book his son wrote. (Robin Williams really wrote it) and that becomes an instant classic. And now, losing his only son, he gets everything he always thought he wanted, fame, a girl friend, and people who really believe in his writing. It's sad, because it makes me think, at what cost did it take for him to get all that he wanted? It still will never bring back his son. I hope I don't have to go through something horrific to finally be recognized. *spoiler alert* He finally admits the truth in the end. What an interesting movie. As depressing as the plot seems, it's amazing. How when he finally got what he thought he wanted he realized that it wasn't as simple as that. The levity and freeness he felt after declaring his secret is what I'm hoping I'll feel after I do all my things tomorrow. I worry about that though. Working towards what I think I want and realizing after all the hard work that it's not how I thought it would be and wishing I had never gotten there. Which is why I take things day to day and appreciate all that I have. Rather then worrying about getting to where I'm supposed to be, maybe, life each day as we live it is what we should be worried about. I constantly am searching for enlightenment each day.

Another thing I have been beyond thankful for in my life is the fact that I have friends that I will love forever. We'll do this alphabetically so no one is offended.
Baby Girl, Nisey, Jilly and Ly Ly, you girls have touched my life in such a way that I know there is no way to ever undo the kindness and love you all have shown me. That's it for the sweetness. You girls are all 2 bit whores and I look forward to seeing all of you in the near future!!!! :]

On the Eve of 9/11. Let's not forget ever. It still gives me chills when I think of their senseless deaths and it makes me sick that people are still dying. Love one another.