make you the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it.

this quote equates my life. It really does. One of my problems and greatest fortes is in my infatuous nature. I know infatuous isn't actually a word but it fits how I am. I get so attached to feelings, people, places and events in my life that I forget to acknowledge the important things. Remaining centered and doing the things that are important to me. I get so wrapped up in my emotions about things that I don't realize the actuality of events, people, places and feelings.

I let my feelings get the best of me. I love that I am like that. I love that I try to live deeply. However, living deeply with every whim and fancy that I have takes me away from reality. I have created a false sense of reality. I am on the road to self-realization and finding my balance in my life. I have certain ideas about how to do it but they all involve me, essentially running away. Although it's immensely attractive to pack my things up and explore and just go until I'm done, doing so would take me away from my family and friends who are such pillars in my craziness that is my life.

Through yoga, prayer, meditation, exercising my body and mind, and time spent with family and friends, I have found peace. But that peace is fleeting at the sight of a passion. I'm not sure how to restrain myself yet. In a way I'm glad I don't. If I were to live my life entirely how I imagine it to be, I think that would push me closer to death because we aren't perfect. Nothing and nobody is perfect in this world. It's what we do with what we're given that creates our ideas of perfection. I'm not even sure I'd ever want to restrain myself. That's such a strong word and I'm not sure we should ever truly limit ourselves.

On another tangent, watched Eat Pray Love, it was a pretty awful movie because I feel like in her finding herself, she had to run away to do it and who can really just escape their lives for a year in foreign places but regardless, it made me realize that I had a bit in common with the main character. I was also impressed with the people that impacted her life through out the film. In my life, I would like to only ever surround myself with people that possess a certain joie de vivre. They change my life and challenge me. I'm thankful for all interactions with those people no matter how impermanent they are. And the ones that aren't just wilt away and I never wish them unhappiness but I certainly try to never waste our time or emotion trying to make what we "have" into something. No matter how lonely I get. That's unfair to all involved. And something I am not quite good at yet. :]

Now, that I am in a thoughtful;thankful;peaceful sort of mood- I bid all 2 readers goodnight. Sleep well and find what makes you happy.

Right away you're thinkin' 'bout romance now...

You know you oughta take it slower. But you just can't wait to get to know her.. I love the Beach Boys..

And on today, it is Thanksgiving.
I'd like to think of the things that I am thankful and post them so that maybe you all will do the same and try to not take things fore granted which unfortunately is easy to do. Especially in our country, where things are so easy. I know we have our difficulties, trust me. I may know better then most but even I with my little money that I have, I own a new car. So for being as poor as I am, I am still beyond blessed with what I have.

★ My family. They have such nurturing souls.
★ My friends- let me be more specific- $.02 Whore, Baby Girl, Jilly, Ly Ly.
★ The experiences that I have had in my life. I hope they continue to enrich my life.
★ Art
★ The life that I have
★ That I have a home and I live in it.
★ Who I am as a person. I'm not perfect but I love who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin and try to appreciate everything that I have.
★ My legs, they allow me to run and take me places.
★ My hands that allow me to create, play piano, write and take care of people.
★ Music, it feeds my soul
★ Words, I hope they never run out
★ My education
★ Knowledge
★ The love that does exist in this world, if we take the time to realize it.
★ My future, while I can't see it now, I know it's bright.
★ The fact that I'm finally down to a size 6!!!
★ My and my family and friend's health.
★ Natural resources
★ Raw food
★ Everything (yes, I'm like a 5 y/o)
I'm not trying to be preachy but I really feel this way everyday. I do lose sight of the things that matter in life. Because it really is all about the little things.
I know that I didn't get all this all by myself, it was a accumulation of my family, my friends and the outlook and being that God has given/made me.
I know this entry is quite trite but it's exactly how I feel.

I'm just happy. And I hope you all are too and can take the time to be thankful not just today, but always. Love to you all.

quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock.

I know it's not too rare that we find music and lyrics that fit our lives. Maybe, it's that particular moment or maybe it's always been the case. This song has been particularly meaningful especially due to my ever present bout of wanderlust.


"These days, my life, I feel it has no purpose,
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface.
Cause on the surface the city lights shine,
They're calling at me, "come and find your kind."

But I feel like this is my life story. Truly and it's awful. I go through my days and feel like I'm getting nowhere and I'm going there fast. I don't want to turn into one of these people that works at nothing for years and then finally stops one day and looks around and says what the hell happened to me, my life, my goals and my dreams? I just wish I could be like most people and just do a job. I wish I didn't have to the "perfect and meaningful" job. I feel like the teaching thing can't come soon enough. But I haven't even really begun to study for it. I'm starting tomorrow.

I've come to a conclusion, I am going to do something every day that is going to better my situation. Even if it's just 30 mins of reading from a book or exercising. I'm going to be doing things like studying for the FTCE,running, finishing Anna Karenina, practice French and Armenian, learn the guitar, practice the piano,continue with Spanish. I think the worse realization one can come to is that the life they are living is just ordinary. And I've come to that realization.

I just need to figure out my life. I know teaching is next up in my life but where will I do it? The FTCE is here in FL. I want to travel. Should I do that? Should I do Teach for America? Will my wandering ever be done? Will I ever become content? And on this early Wednesday morning, I am no closer to the answers. All I know I will wake up in like 8 hours, go for a run, and start the studying for the FTCE.

I really do wish I could be frivolous, and be a singer, a writer, a model, be the cute girl I've always wanted to be and do anything I want. It sucks when you have these whimsies and real bills to pay.

Now, I must add a disclaimer. I know this was more of a whiny entry but sometimes, we're whiny bitches. It happens. I'm glad that I've hit this wall, it was the catalyst needed to bring about change. Things have to get that bad before they get good. And it'll be a rough road to change but I'll be that much better for it in the end. Thanks for listening to ramblings of brain tonight.


sleep well dear readers.