all these people drinking lover's spit...

I must warn the reader before I write this that I am running off 3 hours of sleep, so bear with me. In news of the job front, I have been applying myself like crazy to all sorts of jobs. I am now considering a job in South Korea teaching English but that would only buy me one more year of not finding a more permanent job.
But really what I want is these paid "internship" with Public Allies. It's this great organization that Michelle Obama was a part of. It's a leadership training position. I would be working with a local non-profit while being trained for leadership. Not sure if I'll be getting trained with swords but one can hope. This seems to be my best option at the moment. So we'll see. I'd be lucky to get it. They start interviewing in August.

I had been really creative lately. I've been painting and writing. Mostly just super inspired to be a way better version of myself. Not sure of the reason why but it's been there. This drive. I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for all the experiences I have had in my life. Each one albeit too short sometimes (yesi'mtalkingaboutyou) has brought some type of emotion or feeling. I have learned from each of these things. Learned what I like, what I want, what I don't like, basically, what kind of person I am. More recently, a person who I won't name. We aren't friends anymore. We're not really much of anything anymore and that's okay. Because for the short time spent together, it was real. It was deep and it made me feel.I feel like light was brought back into my life. I became myself again. I feel like the jaded:cynical:distrusting version realized how real things can be. So, for that I can't be sad that it's over. Well that's a lie, one can't help but be sad. But I think the emotion I most feel is disappointment, I think of all the things we were going to do, the memories that we were going to create and realize that these won't happen now. It's finito and I wasn't ready for that. And I'm still not. But, how do you convince someone to like you again? I'll take the classy road. Is that the even right word?

Something I was working on that spurred from a conversation with AVN was about the death of a language. In particular our language. I didn't think that was possible but the examples I came up with as good books or writings were all almost at least 100 years old. And then I got to thinking of ways to describe how I was feeling with this new thing in my life and here's what I got...

Actually you know what, in spite of how I'm feeling today, I'm going to save this for another day. But it really is good. Take my word for it.

would you go along with someone like me?

I was running this morning and I saw a cat get run over. I'm not a fan of cats but it made me think of senseless untimely deaths and I think any death that happens as an accident is the worst. But also, while I was running I was thinking about my life in the past few weeks.

I've been so lucky to have the best friends a girl could ask for. I've got 3 here in Flooorida that would do anything for me. And I have one more in Armenia. We don't talk as much as we would like but that doesn't lessen our friendship by any means. But really, I am so lucky to have the people that I have in my life, in my life. I was talking to AVN about how it's rare to find people who just get you. The friends I keep are the ones that make my future book way cooler then it would be without them. It's my wish that everyone has that. Anyways, enough of how awesome the people that are in my life are. Just a shout out, they are! My family is also pretty wizard. The parental units and I definitely have our opinions but they come from such a good place that it's hard to stay mad at them. Co-existing in your parent's home after not living there for 6 years is difficult. Just a heads up to anyone who may not know how it is. :] But they've got my back through all my crazy antics so that's good.

This weekend has been great. It's been slightly balmy and lovely. Today is hot but yesterday was the perfect kind of weather. I am outside as I type this because the clouds are just pulling me out. Also another new obsession- LastFM. What a way cooler version of Pandora. It's pretty fab.

But these past few weeks have been perfection in their own little weird ways. The 19th was AVN's (almost put his real name) birthday. I tried to make it good. We went to Disney and indulged our 12 year old selves. We had a grand ole time. We also went to the beach on the Sat before that. I wanted to go before I realized he wasn't a super big fan of the ocean. (Oh Noes) But Disney was super fun. This week has also started me seeing what's out there in the job market because I'm donesies with my current position and I have a degree, time to be a grownup. I sent my resume to AppleOne, an employment agency. After I get a job, time to look for apts. And then after that, I am officially grown up. Maybe. Growing up is strange when you're not super self-sufficient yet. I can only imagine how nice it'll feel to be a functioning member of society. And so, I literally just got poured on. I love the erratic weather of Florida. I had to run in so my computer didn't die. All is well. I love lazy Sundays too. I've been going out a lot lately. I'm planning on being more of a homebody for the next few days or weeks. I think my credit card will also appreciate that. We're on speaking terms again. Tuesdays, Friday and Saturdays are my days to work. Yeah, I work the bare minimum but anyways, I want to go to my other obsession I Bar on Tuesday for Grits and Gravy night and literally for the entirety of my relationship with AVN, I have worked Tuesday nights. It's getting to be a joke. I'm not gonna ask for a morning shift because I want to see how long it will be until I work a morning shift. Oh life, overall, I can't complain. Just wish I was doing something with my life. I have this interesting quote that I think of when I get in that kind of dismal mood. "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." So, to the outsider, it may look like I have no drive and am not doing anything but really, I'm taking things day to day and preparing for a future. Maybe that's why I'm typically happy. Oh and one more quote. "We are always getting ready to live and never living" That's a gem, and how true it is. So I'll take my life day to day to avoid these things!

Okay, well enough about my life. I'm starting to feel narcissistic. Love to you all. Enjoy this Sunday unless you're at work making home made brownies that suck (which apparently is possible) <3

so now i'll take a chance on this thing we may have started..intentional or not. don't think we saw it coming

I know. I quoted Katy Perry, eh. What is the world coming to? But I happened to be running this morning and this song came on and it seemed apropos. Okay, I know, enough about AVN.

So here's what else is going on in my life. I feel so purposeless lately. I'm working retail in a costume, I'm not sure much could be worse. For right now, I've decided to start applying for jobs that I fit the criteria of. A lot of non-profit and governmental work. I'm pretty excited about a few of them but it's hard to be super excited when chances are, I won't even get called in for an interview. For whatever reason.I may be under qualified but my passion to help people and and my fire for a cause that I believe in would make up for any of that. But needless to say, no one gives me that chance. I actually just sent my resume to APPLEONE yesterday. They're an employment agency and I need the cash flow and a job that is challenging. They'll be getting in touch with me ASAP. (Oh and I don't think I got that job in event management, which I'm kind of glad about. I don't want to further myself in my current company. That being said, it would have been a fun and more lucrative job.) Unfortunately there is not much of a market here in Florida for anything I want to do, all directions point to either New York, California or DC. I definitely do not want to live in DC. The other two would be cool. But my life, my loves and my Florida is here. So I guess we'll see. Life always needs an adventure.

Speaking of adventure. I feel like in meeting AVN, I have become myself again. Before I was kind of drift less, boring, and filling the status quo (which is never fun). So, I guess thanks!

But, yeah, life has been pretty rad. *insert bouncing souls reference here*. I've been spending a lot of time with friends, new and old. I went thrifting yesterday and the day before and found some great finds. I'm still on the hunt for a used copy of Tropic of Cancer but that's part of the fun.

Eh, so much to my dismay, I'm still at home. But I just got my credit card statement and it's like wtf. Seriously I don't know how I spend all this money on things I don't need. Especially food. Like, really? I have a pantry and a private chef (WHY do I buy food?) Granted I did buy a guitar this period but still. It's okay, I'm just gonna have to keep on top of things. That's what she said!!! But really.
I have been up to a lot in the past month or so.
I've been running ( and now I'm up to 9lbs that I've lost.), I've started reading again. I found myself becoming ignorant and not being on top of the intellectual ball so I'm fixing that. I'm working on East of Eden. Great so far. I've started to listen to NPR again and reading the NY Times online. Because, again, I was falling short when it came to current events and I want to have opinion on things, not just based on what others think. Eh, and I've been drinking a lot lately. I get so enamored with getting tipsy for a small while and then I get done with it. I just think of what it is doing to my body. So, I'm done for a bit.

One thing though that I've given up is baking. I need start that up again. I think I will. Maybe I'll make a cake to bring to the beach tomorrow. I haven't been cooking either. Ai.

Went to the beach yesterday. I really love it there. There is nothing better then the shore. I love napping and listening to all that's around, people watching is at it's best, and I love swimming and frolicking in the surf.

Ran into Old Friend the other day. It was awkward. Especially since I didn't even recognize him at first. But coo.

Okay I have things to do. Going to 730 am yoga tomorrow before the beach. I need it. It's been a while. This is gonna be a good weekend!!!! hooray. hopefully with no money spending.!
keep up the good times champs!
<3

i feel it all..

What a dreadfully gloomy day. This weekend has been great. This week since Tuesday has been great. Today a little off but that's life. I just have people that I care about greatly that are going through things and I can't help but feel sadness for them. I empathize with their situations. And I hate that there is nothing that I can do to make anything better. But that's that. I won't make what they're going through about me. I'd hate to let my sentimentality force them into comforting me. Which obviously was never my intention. I hate when people make what other people are going through about them. So, anyways, today was kind of a bummer.

Went with AVN and Jilly to Kelly Park, Rock Springs. One of my absolute favorite places in the world. However, the weather decided to not cooperate. The water was closed when we first got there, so rather then pay to wait there, we went to a biker bar where we sat and thought with our beers in our hands. It was an interesting event. There were some red necks there, of course at 11:30am on Sunday morning. They were a little bit annoying. One of them made an off-hand comment about Mexicans. I just hate when people who don't know any better say comments that are offensive and typically have no backing. I know, we all make the occasional off-color remarks or jokes but that's around friends, not said loudly and obnoxiously. Well, anyways, it just really upsets me when people do things like that. Like, who do you think you are? I don't think anyone is better then anyone else and to say something, even in jest in front of people you don't know is just wrong. I really wanted to say something. But I didn't. Luckily enough though, they almost made up for their ignorance: They stopped us on our way out of the door. This gentlemen who was missing a few teeth said "Ya'll are new around here, aren't ya?" I answered him swiftly with "We've been here before" He then proceeds to go on about "safe nuts" and how we needed them. They were the best and local. So this gentleman goes out and comes back and he gives Jilly one of the nuts. He makes her crack it open and the shell goes everywhere... on the table instead of a nut was a condom!! Get it? A "safe nut". I could not stop laughing after that.
We left to go to the park. It was opened. We had to find the right spot to sit, there was some discerning opinions as to where we were going to sit, we eventually found the "right spot" I then jumped in while the other two, thought about it. I wouldn't and will still not admit it in person but it was beyond cold but sometimes it's so nice to have that jolt, that intense experience/sensation.

After 15-20 mins in the water, we all got kicked out due to lightning. We sat there for maybe 45 mins hoping they'd let us back in. They didn't so we left. It ended up being a big damper on the day.

But the rest of this week has been sublime. Tuesday I worked- LAME. Weds- I had a job interview with events and convention planning at a resort near me in the same company I'm working at now. Would be a good move, much better money, fun times and the chance to move out of my parent's home which is what I need to do. But it's still not what I want for all time. I want to make a difference for my job. I want my life to be worth something. All the other exciting times this week have been spent with AVN and it's been so wonderful. Everything has been happening so fast, and, I'll be honest, it's a little scary. But I'm not going to over-think things - It's just amazing how people can complicate things but over-thinking.

This weekend has been great. Jilly came for the weekend since I didn't have to work this weekend. Hung out with LyLy on Friday. Jilly and I spent the weekend just being lazy, going to the Enzian, getting into trouble, you know? The usual.

In other news, GO ESPANA!!!!

Life is good. I'm tired but things are good. <3

pitter patter goes my heart..

This week has been one for the books. Things are good. People in my family are healthy, I've lost 4 lbs in the past 2 weeks, my room has been constantly clean, I've been playing with my friends and I've met someone.

That someone, AVN has completely turned my world upside down. I think as we get older and we get hurt by others and we experience love in various forms, it's hard to not be jaded at all. I had given up looking for anything really. But there it was on the dance floor.
Now, I'm not saying I know our future. All I know is that I have a constant case of butterflies, I find myself with a grin on my face for no reason at all. I'm just an extra happy version of myself. I feel special again and yeah. I could probably talk about him for a while but I won't. I know how I feel and so does he and that's all that matters. I'm happy to see what each day will bring.

Monday, I went into downtown to see him and bake cakey cookies.. We did that amongst other things. Got coffee, snuggled on a green plush couch in a land of red sparkle blinds,and got a pretty wizard bumper sticker of Orlando. Afterwards, I met up with an old friend that I have recently connected with. Ly-Ly. I know I've mentioned her before. We had a falling out over things that were not important but now we in our grown-up versions, we are friends again and are getting along splendidly. I'm so happy to have her back in my life. She's great fun and good person. We went to see "El secreto de sus ojos" It won best foreign picture for the Academy Awards. What an intense movie and amazing. So pure and beautiful. I also got super excited for movies coming to the Enzian. In particular, Cyrus, Coco and Igor and MicMacs. Can not wait. We split a bottle of wine and in doing that got her a lil' drunk. So I drove. AVN was at his work party but I wanted to see him sooooo I texted him and asked if he wanted to get food with us. Picked up my hunk of a guy and bought vodka rather then food. AHHH. But it was okay. Went back to AVN's house and then he, I, Ly Ly and his room mate, we left for Tanqueray's, a place that steps down in the sidewalk that I've always wanted to go to. That's where I became a girlfriend. It basically went like this.

AVN: I'm so into you. I want you to be my girlfriend

Me: :surprised: umm. well. what?

And then I kissed him and said ok. Because after all, (pardon the vulgar saying) you just have to be balls out when you have the feelings, you can't always protect yourself, you know?

Well that's basically what happened. I wish you didn't know I had a blog, it makes it super awkward when I know you'll read this.

Anyways so that's that. Tomorrow, I'm going to find a job since I can't do anything this upcoming semester. I can't work where I'm currently working. It's way too much of a drag and I'm not pursuing the kind of hours I should be working because I hate it that much so I'm gonna do something about it.


But for now, it's bedtime for this lovely jobless girl. Need to keep up with the exercise. Goodnight blog people or really just my dad and sister in law. and maybe avn. <3

:swoooon:

Today is 4th of July. I feel so un-American sometimes because I feel we don't have much to be proud of. I have such a skewed view of what America is now. I'm not even sure what has brought that on. i guess it's not just America that I view in a negative light but more so, the world. I feel like there isn't so much goodness left. I wish in America people would just focus and love one another rather then worry about which celebrity cheated on their spouse with whom, how long they'll have to wait to get the I-Phone 4, or how much money they're going to make. I wish the focus was more on uniting under the America umbrella and help one another out. Never asking what am I going to get if I do this but just doing it because it's the right thing. I wish people didn't take fore granted that the only way I'm able to speak at all negatively of our nation is because of people who died for that right. People should stop focus on being Democrats or Republicans and just focus on being Americans and working together to do what's best for America not for individuals. I suppose I am too green in the ways of the world and overly sentimental but that's my wish this 4th of July....

So last Thursday my sissy and I went to the Black Kids. Great show. Their set was a little short but it was fun to dance. Afterwards, we decided to go to I-BAR. My sister is such a sport. She really is a great person. I know she had no desire to be there but she went because she knew how much I wanted to go. I hope I can be as selfless as she can be sometimes. So I danced and mingled and drank free PBR. My sister ended up sitting down and while she was sitting. I met someone. Someone who seems to rock my world so far. Even though it's only been 2 days. EEEk. But really, this character Armando Vladamir Nigel (AVN) is pretty swell. Gave him my number, figured we'd do the waiting game until he called or texted.
Long story short went on date with AVN last night...

Here's a recap- Malbec at newish bar, vodka tonic at Whiskey Lou's and then a dip in a fountain in Loch Haven Park and sitting and talking about anything and everything all at once under a moon. Lots of smiles. In other words, epic first date. No joke.


And now, I'm currently sitting in my bed updating listening to the UP soundtrack and waiting for mi Madre to finish our "brunch" which I suspect to be made up of all our favorite foods. My Dad usually does the cooking and it's delicious, the best, in fact. But, I love when my Mom does cook. It's so fun and lady-like the way she does it.

Life is good, it's filling up with great opportunities and happiness and consistency.

I hope it's the same for you guys too.