plaid..lumberjack...maple syrup....fall is coming.

anddd crimson nail polish...

I am beyond excited for the upcoming season while enjoying the last legs of Summer. The weather has been progressively changing for the past 2 weeks. This time of year makes me miss Tallahassee even more. At this time of year, it's still hot but at night it's very nice. It creates warm feelings on your insides while gently chilling your outsides. The other day I even wore a sweater during the day and I wasn't hot. It was in the 70's and the humidity disappeared and it gave Floridians a glimpse of the upcoming season. It was a nice sneak preview but since then, it's gone back to being muggy. Although, as I write this the windows are opened. Brightening my and Jilly's souls. We're drinking delicious organic sulfite free wine and we're sympathetically stoned; dancing in between typing;thinking deeply;getting warm;laughing uncontrollably; while the sun sets.

This week has been interesting. I've started my new position at work. I'm getting a slight promotion. This makes me happy and unhappy. Happy because my hard work is paying off and I'll be making a little bit more money but unhappy because I'm furthering myself with a company in a role that isn't stimulating. That being said, I wouldn't mind continuing to work for them if I was doing something that was challenging and rewarding. But, I make the best with what I've got. I work as hard as I can and do the best work I can do. That's something my Mother instilled in me. If you've got a job to do, do it well. It doesn't matter if you're a ditchdigger, be the best damn ditchdigger you can be. Also, with the economic situation, I'm just thankful to have a job. :]

I'm so excited for my birthday which is coming up. I can't wait to uphold my morbid tradition of going to a graveyard on my birthday. It started when an ex-boyfriend (Nicky) had messed up big time and wanted to meet up on my birthday and he wanted to see me and wanted to know what I wanted to do so I came up with the most ridiculous thing I could. But I love it. It's all about the interconnectivity of people. People who died on the day that I celebrate my day of birth. I know it's morbid and strange but I like it. Speaking of Nicky. I got to see him on Friday. So, I got a tattoo. Finally!!!! It worked out that he was coming to O-town and he and my Sissy were able to be there for me. It's a bummer but I couldn't get my half sleeve because the picture I had wasn't going to work out but I have a new plan and it will work and if all goes well, I'll get it this upcoming Friday. It'll be my Sissy and Ly-Ly with me. Truth be told, it did not hurt nearly as much as people say it would. It was kind of enthralling. I can't wait to get more. Really.



Found a new cool hang out- Austin's. It vaguely reminds me of All Saints in Tallahassee. It's a 24 hr coffee/beer/vegetarian food place. It's so delectably delicious. I had PBR and a vegan cookie with Ly Ly. It was such a fun night. We met so many interesting people. We met one gentlemen who claimed he was wearing a 900 dollar jacket, convinced Walt Disney to build DisneyWorld here in Orlando and was Santa Claus' brother. Ironically enough though, he was a black gentlemen. We were tempted to ask if he was Santa Claus' brother from another mother but refrained. Finally we were rescued by our new found friends. It was hilarious.

Oh, next funny episode out of the story that is my life happened on Tuesday. I went out dancing to my favorite place in the world and ran into AVN. Talk about awkward. It was like a movie, we were dancing back to back with new people of the opposite sex. We made idle chit chat. The funny thing was, I had been saying to my friend how I thought it was odd that we hadn't run into each other since we broke up and while I'm saying this, he is sitting directly adjacently behind her. Being the 5th grader that I am, I texted her and we promptly left the upstairs and went downstairs to dance and drink! It's not that I didn't want to see him, I just didn't want it to be that soon. Haha. I had no reason to see him, you know? What could I possibly say? We weren't even friends anymore. And that's all I'll say about that. Although Grits and Gravy- massive success. Danced with a Patrick Swayze type and stayed out until 4 when I had to work at 8.

And now, I will end this captivating tale of my escapades because I need to live with Jilly.

p/s miss my parents.. They're in Montana. And they didn't take me with them...

my fault, my failure, is not in the passions i have, but in my lack of control of them

So this quote is fitting with my day today. I spent a lovely girls day out with my Mom. We got mani&pedis. And, now, as I write this I am watching Funny Face. If only, I could be more like Audrey. The before she gets made over. The raw version of her character.

Since I had a venti iced coffee. I've been on edge. Something just snapped yesterday. I've been far too deep inside my own head. But there are some conclusions I've come to today. I think I will go to the breathing and meditation yoga class tomorrow. I just need to stay busy. I feel the restlessness even as I write this in my newly immaculately clean room, in my bed. I should be exhausted but I'm not.

★ I really used to like Sex and the City. But lately, it's been really annoying. It's all about the fabulous single woman who has a career and the world at her feet. But all they do and discuss are men. What happened to their lives? What happened to things that make them relevant? It's kind of annoying. So I won't be watching it for a while.
★ I've decided I'm going to post pictures in my blogs. I think it will be more fun then just a photo-less blog entry.
★ I want my life to be more..., I'm not sure the word, but more worthwhile. As the title of this blog suggests. I wish I had more control over the passions I have. And if I can't find a job that is worthwhile then one that promises some type of fun would be far better then the current situation.


Anyways, so that's what I've been thinking today. Something interesting happened though at Starbucks. There was this adorable/lovely boy behind the counter (completely gay) but nonetheless he was wildly interested in me. Kept smiling and "flirting". I was quite the confused young lady. My mother, however, found it amusing.


Ai- Where are the Fred Astaires of the world? Or really just the wildly romantic love affairs of a lost era? One that didn't involve the internet, text messages or annoying games? You liked someone and that was enough.. The maddening part of this whole mind thought is that I don't even want a relationship just fun.. And kisses. I would dance around an abandoned book store also after that kiss.

In other news, happier news ;] I FINALLY get to go to Grits&Gravy this Tuesday. Everyone should clap their hands at this point. I was going to invite AVN because it was kind of a joke that I had been working every Tuesday night. But then I actually thought about asking him and thought how silly that would be.

Went to Epcot this past Friday with Nisey (that's my sissy). Had a wonderful time. They had vegan food there in Seasons, the food place by the Land. It was quite the delectable meal. That's me eating the lovely salad. mmmmm.



And this is my sissy and I being silly....




And so now, I will float off to sleep with lovely thoughts of Miss Hepburn. Sweet dreams..

Leaving the Horse Ranch for the Islands...

As I write this, I'm surrounded by my lovely family as my father cooks 2 different meals. One for me and one for the meat eaters. I will be eating a chick'un stir fry with Napa cabbage, spinach, onions and mushrooms. It has tons of ginger and little bit of soy sauce. While we do this, we're enjoying cocktails.. My cocktail is a new one that I have never tried. It's a green tea vodka spritzer. It's delicious. It has the antioxidants and alcohol. It's quite refreshing. I've been feeling lately like each day just gets better and better. I have a family that would do anything for me. Often, they do do that constantly for one another. My car is running well. Hell, it's wonderful. and although I spend about 30 bucks on gas, I get it far less then I did before. I'm switching locations at work. I start next week. It should be good. I'm growing my hair out, but only slightly. Kind of a messy bob. But not too long because I enjoy having short hair. I've been so inspired lately. (stilllookingforajobthough) My weight is down in the 140s. And all I can say is it's about time. I've been running almost every day. It's the most invigorating thing one can do for themselves. To sweat before the day even begins. It's something I can entirely control and I adore that. I know it may seem crazy but I like sweating. It's complete bliss.

Let me tell you. The weather and the outside-ness of that has been around for the past week has been breathtaking. The changes that have been going on are so apparent. The clouds look like they belong in a movie or a video game or something pretend. It's been heat lightning every night and hot and sticky during the day. The moon has been enchanting. However, as I write this, it's real lightning rather then heat lightning.


This week has been full of adventure with Ly Ly and my sissy. I've been missing a certain girl in T- Town, more then words can describe. Life is good though and it just keeps getting better each day. Sorry these blogs have become more of just ramblings rather then what I do every day. It's not a diary though. It was becoming that and I had to change it.

Enjoy the storm and the calm afterwards.
<3

let's pretend we don't exist. let's pretend we're in antartica

As I write this the moon is high above and in a phantasmagorical state. It's the kind of moon that makes me wish instead of writing outside in the hot sticky stale air, I was in a field. Far away from the lights and the real life. Completely alone. In the type of field that would promise a girl death. In particularly, my death. An obscene;perverted;beastly death. Not that I want to die in any manner. Pleasant or not. But this moon makes me want to be in that field that looks like it would promise death but in my particular scenario, I would be alive and full of thoughts.

This week has been full of lots of things. A small bout of sexual harassment (which is complete bullshit), time spent with friends, goodbyes, and hellos. As I continue writing this, I see that I need to read more because I am misspelling a whole plethora of pictures. But really, I've worked every day this week and next week promises even more.I can't wait to find a job where I can wear nail polish anytime I want. But this paycheck that I've been working for is going to go towards a particular goal. I have a NEW car. A 2010 grey Chevy Cobalt 2 dr LT. It's super sessi. Her name is Thérèse Rambo- the Silver Bullet. It's really stellar. I have XM, power windows and locks, and an I-POD hook up. It's so hood.

Ai, so this week has been hectic. I'll be glad to find a job that speaks to me, one that has me doing something that really matters. That's all I'll say about that on this post. Because I am quite lucky to have the job that I do have.

So, I sold Rambo. The car that has been my life since I was 16. I sold it to some lovely people. I went out to meet them because I had to get a feel for them. They were the cutest couple ever. He was pretty stoic, and she was completely excitable. She was so adorable. It was a completely fortuitous. I have a tag holder that says "Nole Girl" and their daughter is going to FSU next week. And the car just fit them and I informed her that his name was Rambo and she agreed to keep the name, because it was only fitting. They will be picking it up on Monday.

Tomorrow will be lovely. I will be having a girl date with my girl Ly Ly. We are going to be spending time in the great Florida outdoors. But, perhaps, as I suspect, we may just laze around and go to the movie Dinner With Schmucks. I hope I don't feel bad for Steve Carrel because I am so in like with him. Yesterday we went for a tiny hike in the preserve by my house. It was good to sweat out all the toxins I had drank the night before at I Bar. That is my favorite nightspot in the world. Really, it is. Before that, we saw Beach Party from 1963 in a park on a blanket. It was so much fun. Time spent with lovely girls and laying under the sky. "Briing me my pendulum kiddies, I feel like swinging". But really I like bad habits. I do. Lately. It's not an all the time thing but I enjoy drinking, smoking, cursing and just being bad. I know I'm not being really "bad" per se but for this lil girl, it's bad enough and in my head, it's bad. SO there you go.

I cleaned my room today, it's loverly. I am excited to go out tomorrow. I miss Jilly big time.. Life is good. the moon is alluring. To quote the last line of the book because it's quite apropos for my life. I am ready to be alone. <3

if I fall if I die know i lived and missed some bullets

So life has been interesting. Today was pretty terrible but not really. It was like tropical depression weather but it was nice because I went for a run during the usual hottest part of the day. And I sweated my ass off. I like that. I feel like when I sweat I get all the toxins out of my system. I know it's probably not true but it makes me feel better.

So my car, my Rambo is officially dying. Today, I was on my way to yoga to calm my mind and Rambo started doing whatever it is that it's doing. :/ I've had so many memories in that car. First makeout, adventures, road trips, hanging out with best friends over the years. Since I was 16. And tomorrow I will be test driving Cobalts. I'm pretty excited about it though. I guess I need a car with this new part of my life. I'm kind of a grownup now. I just thought I'd have a year or 2 left. Guess not. But it'll be okay. I'm going to have to work my ass off to make payments for it. Lucky for me, they have great incentives going on at Chevrolet. I know that I will be getting a good job within the next few months. I just know it. Because it can't get any worse then my job right now. :] And I've still been applying like crazy. I will get my foot into some door. But, for the meantime, I'm working the next 2 weeks straight. It will be good $$$$ Even if I do, this winter, the belts will be worn tighter. Because I am still losing weight and because I will not be wasting money on anything other then my credit card, my new car, and insurance! Yowsa. Good thing I know where the cheap/free drinks are.

Speaking of great incentives. I've been a vegetarian for years and as of yesterday I've decided to be vegan. It's been fun so far. The only dairy thing I'm eating is Greek yogurt. For the protein and the probiotics. But I had soy ice cream yesterday and a vegan grilled cheese today. Tastes a lot better then you would think. Speaking of vegan, I know what I'm going to be getting for my half sleeve. It's going to be a phoenix with flowers and vines and pretty colors. That's going to be my birthday present from my family. (Yes, my mother is thrilled---sarcasm) I've been reading good books lately. I finished Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Kloseterman. I also am rereading The Moon and Sixpence by Maugham. It has one of my all time favorite quotes. "I saw its ordered happiness, but a fever in my blood asked for a wilder course. There seemed to me something alarming in such easy delights. In my heart was a desire to live more dangerously. I was not unprepared for jagged rocks and treacherous shoals if i could only have change- change and the excitement of the unforeseen"

Really. Just love it.

Just like I love life. Things are rough sometimes but that's just a way to remind us of our humility and not to get too ahead of ourselves. And I appreciate that. See ya at I-Bar on Thursday!!!


Oh, wanna know something funny? I have a secret defense that I have. I find it amusing. I have "fuck you outfits". When I want to go out and just have fun with my friends and be crazy and obtuse. I wear my glasses and a random outfit and it's fun to kind of dare men to come up and talk to me. I like to see who comes over. It's pretty immature but it makes me and my friends laugh.

if you'd just let me, i'd stop the world and melt with you.

I've been going through every emotion in the book. I'm finally coming to terms with things and it only took a week. So I suppose that's good. I think I finally realized that there's really nothing I can do. I've made peace with that and life is really starting to get as good as it was. Intensity like that doesn't last forever. And I happy that it happened. It was just one of those things.

I've been on such a wave of change, I've not lost about 13 lbs and I've been applying to jobs like crazy! I feel like each day just gets better and better.

Today, I woke up and (it's my sister's birthday) and I was just so unabashedly happy. I purely blissful. I have no real reason to be, except for the fact that I'm alive, healthy and it's her birthday. I can just tell that this is going to be one of those days. I'm this happy and I work early this morning and was out late last night. That should tell you how good I feel today! So, I love other people's birthdays. I love my birthday the most but I really enjoy other peoples also. You get to celebrate their life and providing you like that person, it's kind of cool. We are going to be going to get pizza and going to see the Wizard of Oz. You may ask, how old is my sister turning and based on the activities planned out, you might guess 13 but she's not. She's 10 years older and it's funny because when we go out to bars, people typically think I'm the older one or that we're twins. Yeah, not so funny.! But what can you do? I am extremely happy to be celebrating her life. She has so much life in her. She lacks a certain joie de vivre, but I dare you to find a more kind person. She would do anything. Granted, when it comes to me, she tends to drag her feet and let me know when she's done a good thing but she does it nonetheless. And, that, I think says the most.

Let me preface this next part by saying how much I love Florida. LOVE it. I grew up here. And I can't imagine a cooler place. There is so much to do,that isn't touristy. And since writing last, I have found the coolest and most beautiful beach. Ever. I've been to lots of beaches all around the world but there is something particularly special about PlayaLinda. It's on the Cape Canaveral Coast Line, you have to be $3.00 a person but it's beyond worth it. I can't even tell you why it was so lovely but it was AND there's a place there to tan topless. Get excited!!! But really, I went there with Ly Ly. Another person who has accomplishments that I have been celebrating. She is finished with her undergrad nursing degree. She graduates this Sunday and I'm so proud of her. She's the friend that we had had a falling out over God knows what. But, we're back in each other's lives and it's been perfect. Possibly because we've been through a lot and appreciate each other better now.! And since I'm mentioning all my lovely girls. Here's a shout out to Jilly. Just because she's stellar.! But yeah, Ly Ly took me there. She knew that was exactly what I needed at the time with what I was going through. Now, I say that, like something terrible really happened to me. But compared to what some people go through, being sick, not having enough money to really survive or dealing with way more intense demons. It makes my silly boy problem look like nothing. But, in my life, this was bad enough. But, I am secretly happy that, that was the worst thing going on in my life. Well that and not finding a good job yet.! AH! I know something will turn up. I feel it. I think next week is going to be good.

SO let's just say,life is good. People in my life are good. All I'm really hoping to change is my job situation and I know it will. I guess I should really get out of bed and ready for the ole job. Have a lovely Friday guys. And, just be happy. Really. <3